earwigficmirror | fic: the world unravels in rewind (the good wife; alicia; gen)

empressearwig.livejournal.com posting in

Title: The World Unravels in Rewind
Author:

empressearwig
Fandom: The Good Wife
Rating: PG
Warnings: One tiny reference to sex, otherwise none.
Prompt: #6. Until you lose your reputation, you never realize what a burden it was or what freedom really is.---Margaret Mitchell
Summary: Alicia Florrick, before and after the fall.
Author's Notes: Written for the

femgenficathon. Thanks to

normative_jean and

leobrat for serving as sounding boards. The quote used in the fic is from Anne Tyler's novel, Back When We Were Grownups. To be safe, spoilers for the whole first season, but all the events of the fic all take place before the show starts.

In the days after -- because that's how her life is divided now, into the days before and the days after -- Alicia thinks about the opening line of a book she doesn't remember reading. She might have read it for book club, maybe five or six or seven years before, but the plot, the characters, even the title of it is lost to her now.

But the opening line -- that is emblazoned in her memory, onto her mind. Alicia hadn't known what it meant then, not with her perfect life and her perfect kids and her perfect husband. She'd thought she was living a charmed life. Now -- after -- with her life and her marriage and everything she's known for the last fifteen years in ruins in front of her, Alicia understands.

"Once upon a time, there was a woman who discovered she had turned into the wrong person."

Alicia is that woman.

The only question she has left to answer is if it's too late to turn into the right one. The answer scares her more than the question.

###

Peter asked her to marry him the night he graduated from Georgetown. He knelt before her in their tiny student apartment, ring in his hand, promises falling from his lips. He said he would love her forever, that he wanted to be her forever, to give her the life she deserved.

All Alicia wanted was him.

A few happy tears trickled down her cheeks as she nodded yes and Peter slipped the ring onto her finger. He pulled her down to kneel in front of him, cupping her face in his hands, brushing the tears gently away with his lips. Alicia had never felt happier.

They made love, there, on the floor that night. In the morning, when Alicia awoke, she looked down at the ring on her finger and thought that this was only the beginning. She was right.

***

Her last year of law school was a blur. Late night phone calls from Peter where he told her about clerking for Judge Bauer and the job he already had lined up at the State's Attorney's office. Working on the mock trial with Will. Phone calls from Peter's mother, Jackie, about the wedding. Will dragging her to the baseball diamond to watch him pitch when she felt like her eyes were about to start bleeding. Endless job interviews. Missing Peter so much it hurt.

And Will -- always Will -- lurking quietly in the background, fighting with her for top honors in class, competing to see who could do the most shots at their favorite bar. Alicia would have gone crazy that last year if not for Will.

Maybe she should have known then what that meant. She didn't.

When she talked to Peter, she would carefully edit her stories of classes and their friends and what she was doing so that Will was a ghost, a mere whisper. Peter didn't like him -- had never liked him -- and it wasn't worth the fight, not when the time they had to talk was so precious, she told herself. But a lie of omission was still a lie and later, she'd look back, and see that those lies were where it all began.

Alicia had already become a politician's wife and she didn't even know it.

###

Alicia steps off the elevator into the lobby. It's all golden wood and gleaming glass, fresh cut flowers and abstract art. She doesn't remember the law looking like this.

She makes herself walk to the receptionists desk, careful to take slow, measured steps. Her heart is in her throat. She’s nervous. She didn’t know she’d be this nervous.

The receptionist (Carol, her nameplate says) finishes her call and looks up with a practiced smile. "Can I help you?" she asks.

Alicia smiles back. If there's one thing she's learned in the last six months (fifteen years), it's how to pretend to be something you're not. It helps if it's both the truth and a lie. "I'm Alicia Florrick. It's my first day."

She's still a politician's wife.

###

Graduation was in May. The wedding was in June. Alicia started her job as junior associate for Crosher, Abrams & Abbott in July. She found out she was pregnant in December.

The pregnancy was an accident.

She and Peter had talked about children before the wedding. They both wanted a family, but actually having it -- that had been for some far-flung day in the future. Not now, when they were both working so hard to climb to the top. A baby versus billable hours. The baby would win, Alicia had no illusions about that.

And she had no illusions that it was her career that would take second place, not Peter's. Not when his superiors at the State's Attorney's office were constantly praising him, telling him that in ten years time he would be running the office. Peter wanted that, Alicia could tell. She wanted it for him, too. But she wanted her career to matter as much as Peter's did, and she already knew that it wouldn't.

When she told Peter she was pregnant on Christmas morning, he stared at her in shock. She laughed and the look of shock became the slow-blooming grin that she loved so dearly.

"You're sure?" he asked, voice incredulous. He reached out, brushed his fingertips across her still flat stomach.

She nodded and covered his hand with her own, pressing them together against her. She opened her mouth to speak, but then Peter was kissing her as if she'd just given him everything he'd ever wanted. Maybe she had.

They were late for Christmas dinner at his parents that night. But not even the lecture from Jackie could get under Alicia's skin, not with the way that Peter kept smiling at her from across the room, like they shared the world's best secret. Alicia smiled back the same way. It was a good Christmas.

###

The house goes on the market. Alicia starts sending out resumes. They find an apartment and move. The kids start at their new school. No one wants to hire a woman in the center of a sex scandal that hasn't worked full time in thirteen years.

It's desperation that makes her call Will. She's been a terrible friend to him, really, and she doesn't like asking for favors at the best of times. This is definitely not the best of times.

But still, at least Will is her connection to exploit and not Peter's. She doesn't want a job from one of Peter's political cronies, from the people that she holds nearly as responsible for ruining her life as she does her husband. She could have gotten a job from one of them easily enough; half of Chicago owes Peter favors after his decade in office. That the other half considers him an enemy, she does not think about. That Will might be in that other half, she ignores. She might be in that other half, too; her feelings about her husband and marriage change from day to day.

She meets Will for coffee at a Starbucks two blocks from his office. It was his suggestion, and she wonders if he knows why she suggested getting together.

He's waiting for her when she gets there, and he stands and gives her the smile that she knows left a trail of broken hearts in its wake during law school. "Alicia," he says in greeting, his voice warm and welcoming.

She smiles back, giving him the half hearted hug of long neglected friends. "Will." She steps back, looks at him, sees him, all polished and pressed in a designer suit and shiny shoes. They are farther from evenings on her couch at Georgetown than she realized. "It's good to see you."

"You, too." He nods towards the counter. "Can I get you something?"

She shakes her head, takes the seat across the table. "I"m fine, thanks."

"Ah," he says, sitting back down. "So this isn't about coffee." He smiles briefly. "I had a feeling."

Alicia tries to read the expression on his face. She's out of practice. "Will," she starts.

He shakes his head and holds up a hand to cut her off. "Don't worry about it." He makes an impatient gesture at her. "Come on, let's see it."

She hesitates, hand over her bag. "Are you sure?"

He rolls his eyes and gives her that, "what, are you stupid" look she remembers from late night study sessions.

She passes him a copy of her resume.

He barely glances at it before folding it up and tucking it into his jacket pocket. He stands up. "I want to walk, do you want to walk?"

She blinks. "Sure." She follows him out the door, falling easily into step next to him. They don't speak. The knot in her stomach grows and tangles, and she tries to read his face in profile. It's impossible. He's grown too cagey for that. Too Chicago for that.

Will leads them to a small park a few blocks away, settles on a park bench, legs outstretched in front of him. She sits next to him and waits.

"Junior associate," he says finally.

She starts and looks sideways at him. "What?"

"Junior associate," he repeats. He looks over at her. "It's not much --"

She shakes her head. "No, Will, it's a lot."

He laughs and his whole face relaxes. "See if you say that when you're working until two a.m.," he teases. "Do you even remember what that's like?"

She lets her laugh echo his. If only he knew how well she remembers late nights. Her life has been nothing but an extended late night for the last six months. She sobers. "But are you sure?" she asks. "You have partners and I'm sure you had hundreds of other applicants and I don't want a hand out and --"

"Alicia," he says, laying his hand over hers. Squeezing it. "Let me worry about that. Them. Okay?"

His hand is so warm against hers. Comforting. It feels strange. Comfort is something she doesn't remember. She looks him in the eye. Nods. "Okay."

"Good." He lets go of her hand. Stands. "I need to get back to work." He grins at her. "The perks of being the boss only extend so far."

She feels herself grinning back, not the polite political smile she's worn so often for the last fifteen years of her life, but an actual grin. "Do I have to call you that now? Boss?" She wrinkles her nose. "I'm not sure if I like that."

Will's grin deepens, the corners of his eyes crinkling in mirth. "Oh, I think I'm going to have to insist on that now. Thanks for the idea."

She shakes her head and laughs. She's laughed more in the thirty minutes she's spent with Will than she has in weeks. Maybe months. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off her shoulders, like she can breathe again.

Will tips his head to the side, towards the sidewalk. "Did you want to walk back with me?"

She takes a moment, considers. Then she shakes her head. "No, I need to make a phone call."

He nods once. "Okay, well then, I'll call you later this week. You may have to come in for a formal interview, but --"

"Just let me know," she says.

He nods again, starts to walk away.

"Will," she calls after him.

He turns back, looks at her.

"Thank you," she says. "Just, thank you."

He smiles. "What are friends for?" He walks away before she can say anything else, and she's grateful for that. She's not really sure what she could say to that.

She doesn't know how long she sits there on that park bench. But she knows that it was a good day.

###

Zach was born in July, a tiny, squalling, red-faced baby that Alicia couldn't believe was her's. Hers and Peter's. Theirs. When the nurse handed her the blue wrapped bundle that was Zach, Alicia looked down at his face and felt a rush of love flow through her.

She thought she'd loved him before, but what she felt now was so fierce, so overwhelming, that she couldn't in a million years have prepared herself for it. She knew then that she would do anything for him, lay down her life to keep him safe and happy and healthy. She looked up at Peter, who was staring at the two of them with awe, looked at him and smiled.

"Look what we did," she said, reaching out a hand for Peter's.

He pressed a kiss to her palm, scooting closer to her on the bed, wrapping his arms around the both of them. "I love you," he said. He stroked his fingers across the fuzz on Zach's head. "Both of you."

She never doubted for a minute that he meant it. Not ever.

###

The days after pass in a blur. Reporters camp out on their sidewalk. She keeps Zach and Grace home from school. She does not cry.

Peter resigns.

She stands by him. She doesn't know why she does it.

Peter sleeps on the couch.

She meets with a divorce lawyer. She knows before the meeting is over that she can't go through with it, not now.

She still loves her husband. She doesn't know if she'll ever be able to forgive him.

***

Alicia learns that it takes years to build a life and only moments to destroy it. It surprises her more than it should.

Their neighbors stop talking to her. The first time someone that she thought was a friend snubs her, it hurts. She has no choice but to put it aside, and really, it doesn't matter.

They're going to have to move. She's going to have to get a job. The kids are going to have to go to public school.

Everything is going to change. She doesn't have time to worry about what the neighbors think of her. Knowing that doesn't stop it from hurting.

***

The case against Peter moves quickly. Alicia remembers the law as slow, plodding even, but it only takes five months to convict Peter, to send him to prison. Five months to change the next ten years of her life. The rest of her life.

She's in the court room when the verdict is read. Jackie is beside her, clasping her hand. It hurts. Alicia knows that what's coming is going to hurt Jackie more, so she doesn't say a word.

The baliff hands the judge the slip of paper with the verdict. The judge reads the verdict aloud to the packed courtroom. Peter is declared guilty. Jackie cries.

Alicia is not surprised. She's more worried about what comes next.

###

She went back to work in September. Alicia had never understood why women would give up their careers to be with their children until the morning she left Zach at Jackie's for the first time to go into the office. That morning, she sat in her car on the Edens and felt like a complete and utter failure.

The sheer weight of the guilt was enough to make her want to turn her car around and go back. She wondered then if she'd ever stop feeling that way.

(She mostly did.)

Life went back to normal. She wasn't number one in billable hours any longer, but being number three wasn't so bad. They settled into a routine, her and Peter and Zach. Peter went into work earlier and Alicia took Zach to Jackie's in the morning. Peter picked him up on his way home. Things were hectic and complicated and Alicia felt like she'd never been so busy in her life, but then she'd never been so happy either.

In her more optimistic moments, Alicia let herself think that maybe, just maybe, it really was possible to have it all. She should have known it wasn't.

A month before Zach's first birthday, her doctor told her she was pregnant again. Alicia stared at him in shock. She and Peter had been careful -- very careful. Their lives were just manageable with one baby, but two? There was no way they could manage the juggling act they'd perfected over the past year. A ball would get dropped and she knew before she even left the doctor's office which ball it was going to be.

There wasn't a choice. Maybe there never had been a choice.

Grace was born the week before Thanksgiving. Alicia never went back to work.

###

The first thing she does is call Zach and Grace's school. She's put through almost immediately to the principal, who assures her that they'll make sure Zach and Grace are kept unaware of what's going on. The principal starts to offer her his sympathies, but she cuts him off. She doesn't have time for that now.

Peter hasn't called.

Alicia calls Jackie. She doesn't really want to, isn't ready to hear Jackie's defense of Peter, not when she hasn't heard it from him. But Jackie will protect her family at all costs, keep Zach and Grace safe until Alicia can do it herself.

Protecting Zach and Grace is her first priority. She wishes she weren't having to protect them from their father.

She cancels her appearance at the fundraiser. The chairwoman answers on the first ring, as though she'd been expecting Alicia's call. She probably was, Alicia thinks. She doesn't care. She just knows that she can't stand in front of a crowd and tell what would now be pretty little lies about a man she thought she knew.

She doesn't know anything anymore.

Peter still hasn't called.

Jackie's car is in the driveway when Alicia gets home. She meets Alicia at the door, face harried, voice low. "They're in the living room," Jackie says in a whisper. "I wouldn't let them turn on the television or use their computers."

"Thank you," Alicia says, shrugging out of her coat and tossing it over a chair. She starts to walk towards the living room, stops. She turns back to look at her mother-in-law, who is busy hanging the coat up in the closet. She almost smiles. Nothing ruffles Jackie. "I don't --" she starts. Jackie turns to look at her. "I don't know what to tell them. What am I supposed to tell them?"

Jackie rushes forward, takes her hand. "The truth," she says.

Alicia hears herself laugh. It's low and bitter, and she didn't know she could laugh like that. She didn't want to know she could laugh like that. She squeezes Jackie's hand. "I wish I knew what that was," she says. She walks away, ignoring Jackie's calls after her.

Zach and Grace are sitting on the couch in the living room, still in their school uniforms. Grace is reading, Zach playing his Nintendo DS, but they both look up when she walks into the room, her heels against the hardwood floor giving her away.

"What's going on?" Zach demands immediately, and the sight of him, looking so much like Peter, acting so much like Peter, makes Alicia want to weep. "Why did Grandma pick us up from school? Where's Dad?"

"Is Dad okay?" Grace wants to know. The panic on her face makes her look so much younger, and Alicia knows that this is going to be hardest on her. Grace worships Peter, thinks he hung the sun and moon and stars just for her. Alicia wants to kill Peter for making her be the one to tell Grace that it's not true. "Dad's fine, right? Mom?"

Alicia doesn't answer either of them. She moves to sit between them, wrapping an arm around each of them, tucking them against her. She takes a deep breath. "Your father is fine," she says. "I promise."

"Then what --" Zach starts, and Alicia shakes her head, cutting him off.

"Let me finish, okay, Zach?"

He nods, clearly sensing this isn't the time to argue. Grace cuddles closer to her side, and Alicia tightens her arm around her daughter.

"Your father is fine," Alicia says again. "But something happened. I don't know the details." She shudders slightly. She doesn't know that she could tell them the details even if she knew. "Your father has been accused of some things, some awful things. I don't know if he did them or not. I haven't been able to talk to him yet. But whether or not they're true, it means that things will be bad for awhile. People are going to say a lot of things, and I don't want you to listen to them." She looks at Zach and then Grace. "Do you understand? I don't want you to listen to them. Listen to me, listen to Grandma."

"What did Dad do?" Zach asks.

Alicia shakes her head. "I'm not going to tell you that yet, not until I talk to him."

"When is he coming home?" Grace asks, her voice very small and afraid.

"I don't know," Alicia says. "I need to go and try and find out. But I need you both to promise me that you won't turn on the tv. Or go on the internet." She sees Zach open his mouth to protest. "Not forever. Just until we know what's going on. Can you both promise me that?" She feels Grace nod against her and sees Zach do the same. "Thank you. I have to go call some people now." She kisses the top of Grace's head. "I'll come find you when I know more, okay?" She looks at Zach. "I promise."

She manages to extract herself from Grace's clinging arms, kisses her one more time. She stands, makes herself walk away from them. She wants to badly to stay there with them, ignoring the rest of the world, the reality that's waiting outside their door.

But she knows she can't. If she ignores it, reality will just break the door down, leaving her without any defenses at all.

She goes into Peter's office and shuts the door. She picks up the phone. This is going to be the worst phone call of her life.

###

Her life changed. She changed. Her days were filled with diapers and playgroups and Baby Einstein, not deadlines, briefs and precedents. In the beginning, Alicia would raid Peter's briefcase when he came home from work, desperate for any connection to the world she'd left behind. She never could remember why she stopped.

By the time Zach turned three, Peter was already working on his first campaign. Alicia learned how to charm donors and give speeches. She learned how to dodge reporters’ uncomfortable questions and tell half-truths. She learned how to command a staff and to tell someone no with only a look.

She gained a new respect for her mother-in-law.

Peter won the election, and they moved to Highland Park.

Alicia didn't like it at first. The house was too big, too empty, too cold. Too much like Jackie's. The first time she read the bylaws of the Homeowner's Association, she laughed. She couldn't understand how anyone lived like that, with regulations about the length of the grass and the color of the front door.

How could she ever hope to raise normal, well-adjusted kids surrounded by that?

She did. She adapted. She learned to fit in.

She chaired committees supporting the arts and the public library. She joined the PTA. She organized food drives for homeless shelters.

Every week, she and Peter would go on a date. Her friends told her how jealous they were of the way Peter still looked at her -- like she hung the moon. She laughed and told them that they didn't see him when she was telling him to take out the trash.

Peter won another election. Grace started first grade.

Alicia started volunteering at Legal Aid. Peter loved the idea -- and then he didn't. He was about to run for State's Attorney, he explained, and he needed her full support. Once he won the election, there would be plenty of time for her to go back to the work she was doing. He knew she would understand.

She didn't.

But she threw herself back into being the candidate's wife, and told herself that it was enough. Most of the time she believed it. After all, didn't she have it all? Two beautiful, smart and funny kids. A husband who loved her. A life that let her work on causes near and dear to her heart.

It was very nearly enough. And she could ignore what wasn't.

###

Alicia hates Monday mornings. Zach always oversleeps, Grace can't find the shoes she wants to wear. Peter never remembers to leave her enough coffee.

This morning is no different.

"Grace," Alicia calls out, while dashing around the kitchen gathering her purse and keys. "Your shoes are by the door." She pauses at the door, sliding on her own heels. "Zach, let's go!"

She hears thumps on the stairs, identifies them as Grace. Alicia slips on her coat.

Grace skids into the kitchen, her cardigan unbuttoned, backpack over one shoulder. "I swear, Mom, I looked there." She jams her feet into her shoes and pulls on her winter coat. "Where's Zach?"

Alicia looks at her watch. "Good question," she mutters. "Zach! If you're not down here in two minutes, I'm leaving without you and you'll have to catch the bus!" She opens the door. "Let's go."

"You're going to leave him behind?" Grace asks, trailing along behind her. "Awesome." She climbs into the backseat, Alicia gets behind the wheel.

"Today I am." Alicia looks at the clock, honks the horn.

Zach comes running out of the house, clambers into the backseat next to Grace. "I'm --"

Alicia holds up a hand, warding him off. "I don't want to hear it, Zachary." She backs down the driveway, trying to ignore her kids. She has a million things to do and she's already running late. It's not even eight o'clock, how is she running late?

It's Monday, that has to be it.

By the time they reach the school, the car is mostly silent. Alicia puts the car in park, turns around and tries an apologetic smile. "Sorry. It's Monday. Have a good day, okay? I'll be back at 3:30."

"Okay. Bye, Mom!" Grace calls out, practically running as she exits the car.

Zach hesitates, hand on the door handle. "Sorry," he says, not quite meeting her eyes.

Alicia shakes her head, letting him off the hook. "Just try to wake up on time next week."

Zach flashes a grin. It's just like Peter's. "Will do. Bye!" He slams the door shut behind him.

Blessed quiet. Alicia turns on NPR, puts the car back in drive. First stop, Starbucks.

***

It starts snowing while she's at the post office. She almost slips on her way back to the car, the ground already slick. She curses her too high heels and the fundraiser that she wore them for.

She gets in the car, takes a drink of her cold coffee. She drives to the dry cleaners, mentally reviewing the remarks she's going to have to make. She could probably give this speech in her sleep, she's given it so many times before.

Peter works tirelessly for the citizens of Cook County.

(He does.)

Peter believes in justice and the system and keeping the community safe.

(He does.)

Alicia's not just saying all of this because he's her husband, but because she believes in him, in what he stands for.

(She does.)

She pulls into the parking lot. When she opens the door to the cleaners, a bell jangles loudly and Mr. Hathaway looks up from the counter and smiles at her. She smiles back. She gets in line behind a woman in a red coat, looks down at her watch. She's already running late. She looks up at the television, it's set to CNBC this morning. She watches the scroll idly, seeing but not seeing what's right there in front of her.

Until she sees Peter's name. Peter's name and the word prostitute and suddenly she can't think -- can't breathe. She rushes out the door, the bell ringing furiously, Mr. Hathaway calling after her.

She unlocks the car, climbs inside. She rests her head against the steering wheel and takes deep breaths. It's not true, it can't be true. She feels tears prick at her eyes and forces them back. She will not cry. Not about something that she knows can't be true.

Her husband loves her, Alicia believes this without question.

But she's terrified to start the car, turn on the radio, and she doesn't want to think about why.

Her hands tremble as she turns the key in the ignition. The radio bursts to life and she winces at the volume. It's a commercial and she almost lets herself be relieved. Relieved until the news comes back and this time she hears it; hears the stark, awful truth. She makes herself listen to the whole news story before turning the radio off.

She looks at the clock. 10:34.

She knows she'll never forget the moment when her whole world fell apart.

###

Years passed. Peter was elected State's Attorney once, then twice. Zach and Grace started middle school. Alicia never went back to Legal Aid. They were happy.

And then, one day, it all fell apart.

###

As she rebuilds her life, Alicia thinks about the opening line of that book she can't remember. It's just one sentence, but it was the story of her life.

"Once upon a time, there was a woman who discovered she had turned into the wrong person."

But she knows it doesn't have to be the story of the rest of her life. And it won't be. She won't let it. She's writing the story now, and she's going to write a different ending to the same story.

And this time, she's going to get it right.